Hands and words and feelings

Luke,

You are one powerful, resolute, passionate, tender, soon to be five year old. You are also funny, a real prankster, actually. Right now, that means hiding my cell phone at bedtime, pulling the elastic out of my hair, and making Alexa (our Amazon speaker) play songs called "i poop". You think you are hilarious, and you really are. You can keep a blank face for a minute, but then I can see it in your eyes, and the second you can tell that I can tell what you're up to, your whole self just explodes in delight and laughter and pride.

You speak most naturally with your body. Not to say that you don't use words too; you do.  You are precise and honest when you speak, and you aren't afraid to say exactly what you think or feel.  You might whisper it if you're embarrassed, but it still comes out. I love that about you. I am trying to be more like you in that way - not afraid to say what you think, and when what you think is embarrassing, you still say it, just softer.

But often your body moves before words even have a chance to form inside you. Sometimes this gets you into trouble. You touch, push, grab, punch, and hug. All of it fiercely. The feelings you have are so powerful that they scare you sometimes; they control you more than you have yet learned how to control them. When you have a good day at preschool, a day when you use your words and not your hands, you tell us all with pride.  And when you have a bad day, as we all do, you tell us that too. You know that the things we think about you have most to do with who you are inside, not what you do.

The control will come in time, Luke. Eventually, you will feel the hard things without physically acting out your angry feelings, your sadness, your hurt. But the feelings themselves will not disappear. Life gives us plenty of times every day to feel the hard feelings.  And the good feelings, too.  You will have a life full of laughter, friends, pride, meaning, most of all - love. Love will surround you, because you were made that way. You can trust me on that. You can trust me about your future, even when you don't trust yourself so much. I am watching the substance of who God made you to be come together, piece by piece, and it is good. World-changing, if you let it be. But it will not always be easy. If you are living any sort of actual life, it will definitely feel too hard a lot of the time.

I want you, Luke, to keep feeling all the feelings. Even when you feel them more with your body than with your lips, I want you to be brave and to feel them all. You'll learn, when you're older, all about your Daddy and his hard work to feel the feelings. For passionate men like the two of you, it seems easier sometimes, definitely less exhausting, less work, to put off the feelings. And sometimes, putting off the feelings is okay, even necessary, for a little while.  But if you ignore how you feel about something for long enough, the feeling starts to get tricky. It acts scary. It seems bigger than life, too overwhelming, too complicated, and you might decide that since you're a man, you don't really need to feel things at all.

Luke, your heart is good, and the truest self inside your heart needs the respect of being heard. He won't guide you wrong, and you don't have to be afraid of what he says. The bravest, most powerful, most masculine thing a man can do is to let his truest heart speak, no matter what it says. And if it says embarrassing things, and it will sometimes, there is NO SHAME in that. You still let your heart speak, just softer. There is only bravery in that place, where you are honest about all the questions inside of you. Anyone who says otherwise is talking to you from a scared, small place: feel free to ignore them.

Use your words most often. Use your body too, when that works better. Feel it all, and don't be afraid, Luke. Your strength runs deeper than you know. I am so, very, proud to know you.

With love,
Mom